Yesterday’s Leaders Circle on Boundaries left me contemplating for a long time.
We touched on far more than simply saying ‘no’. What do you do when you have so many responsibilities that you feel trapped in your role? How do you set boundaries if you’re neurodivergent and process information differently than most boundaries advice suggests?
A question I was asked twice this week was: How do you respond to flattery if it makes you uncomfortable?
We live in a culture that encourages us to celebrate compliments and positive feedback. Many of us are socialised to seek it as a form of validation, teaching us that external approval is a good thing.
But what if you value modesty due to your upbringing or cultural background? Or what if you carry trauma from manipulators who used flattery as a tool for control and abuse? Narcissists and sociopaths excel at this. Children, too (in their innocent way).
Boundaries Are About Consent to How Energy Flows (at the Personal and Societal level)
In the Leader's Circle, we explored how boundaries are really about who is controlling the flow of attention and energy in an interaction. Healthy relationships allow for mutual consent on how that flow happens. Unhealthy ones don’t.
When you receive a compliment, you become the focus of attention, and that shifts your internal state.
Psychological Sovereignty: Mastering Your State
As Tony Robbins and ancient yogic traditions teach, your state is a function of three things:
1 Body
2 Language
3 Focus
Manipulators use body language, verbal cues, and the point of focus to control the frame of the interaction, affecting your state and eliciting specific behaviours from you.
But the good news is: You don’t have to be a victim. You don’t even need to rebel. You are sovereign, and you can choose how you use your body, your language, and your focus.
Responding to uninvited flattery can look like this:
1) Body: Is this person getting too close to you? Move away or shift your posture. Slow down your breathing to relax or speed it up to energise and express yourself.
2) Language: The person’s words are filling the space. Interrupt and take control of the conversation. It doesn’t matter what you say. You can even start singing or change the subject completely! Ask something random like: "What did you have for breakfast today?" or "When was the last time you travelled?"
3) Focus: The person’s focus on you can feel exposing, especially if you haven’t consented. This is particularly sensitive for women due to the historical context of the male gaze. Recognising this, you can shift the focus. Give them a compliment back, or, if it feels stretching, say: “Flattery will get you anywhere. Where are you trying to get to right now?”
If you feel it's too much to refuse a compliment outright, you can soften it with humour or curiosity. But remember, you are allowed to say, “I’m not comfortable with compliments. Let’s talk about something else.”
[Photo: Enjoying the vibrant boundaries that shelter me from the energetic flow of water from the sky. London café, 2024.]
Lean into Your Strengths
You don’t need to master all three areas at once. Maybe you're great at reading body language, or perhaps you're better at analysing speech patterns (AI can help!). Or, if you're an introvert, you might excel at sensing how attention is moving in the room. Lean on your strengths and be sovereign over who and what influences your state.
You have the power to give or withdraw consent. No one can force you to think, say, or do anything. This lesson—mastery of our state—is part of the heritage left to us by nonviolent leaders and revolutionaries throughout history.
The Global Context
As violence and conflict continue across the world, including in Gaza, Lebanon, Yemen, the DRC, and the Sahel, those of us fortunate enough to have physical safety can take emotional risks and claim our psychological sovereignty by mastering our states—something that may not be possible for those in war zones.
By becoming a little more sovereign from coercion and manipulation, we contribute to an incremental yet vital shift in the global relational field.
We liberate others as we liberate ourselves.
Have a great week,
Amina
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